Conflict Essay
10
Friendships in Our Lives
Friendships (good and bad)
Friendships bring rewards
Emotional rewards
support, happiness
Material rewards
share resources
Health rewards
they look out for us, happiness relives stress
Friendships (good and bad)
Friendships carry costs
Time
Emotional investment
Support, frustration
Material costs
Traveling or night on the town
Physical investment
Helping move, clean out the garage
Attraction
Attraction theory:
explains why we are drawn to others
Physical attraction
Drawn to someone’s looks
Social attraction
Drawn to someone’s personality
Task attraction
Drawn to someone’s abilities & dependability
Attraction
We are ATTRACTED by
Appearance:
physical looks, often associated with being healthy
Proximity:
how often we interact; how closely we live & work
Similarity:
like interests, values, beliefs= comfort & validation
Complementary:
We like different if we gain from it (shy & out-going)
Attractiveness is culturally based
Expectations of Friends and Friendship
- Willingness to invest
- Emotional closeness
- Acceptance
- Trust
- Support
Willingness to Invest
4 intanglibles that we want from our friends:
- Time
- Effort
- Thought
- Feeling
Emotional Closeness
- Closeness through dialogue
Communication is centerpiece to friendship
Emphasize talk to achieve intimacy
- Closeness through doing
Sharing activities is centerpiece to friendship
Acceptance
- Expect friends to understand and tolerate us, including our flaws
- With friends, we don’t want to put up false fronts
- Being accepted by others is important to our self-worth
Trust
- Two dimensions:
Confidence that others will be dependable
Assumes emotional responsibility: friend cares
- Develops gradually and in degrees
- Depends on:
Individual histories
Family scripts
Willingness to take risks
Support
- Listening to problems
- Letting them know they aren’t alone
- Being available
The Development of Friendship
- Role-limited interaction (student in class)
- Friendly relations: check for commonalities
- Moving toward friendship: go for coffee
Many relationships stay here (casual friends)
- Nascent friendship
See each other as friends; develop rules
- Stabilized friendship: assume it will continue
- Waning friendship: stop making investments
Pressures on Friendship
- Internal tensions:
Relational dialectics
Diverse communication styles
Sexual attraction
- External pressures:
Competing demands
Personal changes
Geographic distance
Guidelines for Communication
Between Friends
- Engage in dual perspective
Understand their thoughts, feelings, emotions
Distinguish between our judgments & perceptions and what friends say & do
- Communicate honestly
- Grow from differences
Avoid either-or statements
- Don’t sweat the small stuff