argumentative
Argumentative by Olayemi Olatunji
Submission date: 15-Jul-2021 04:19PM (UTC-0400) Submission ID: 1620069289 File name: 6.NationalSecurityPosesRiskforCitizensPrivacyinUnitedStates.docx (20.63K) Word count: 934 Character count: 5193
6
6
10
Hello note!
Date format: check MLA
Syntax errors: writing unclear
MLA citations: review for accuracy
Introductions Ov
Thesis: Good;
Study 4 Sentence Types
TS: too close to thesis S/V Agreement
Whoops! Careful w/source use
4
5
7
Thoughtful content; need clearer po
Unity & Focus
Transitions
TSs in Arguments
Paragraphing: Ar
Demonstrate
Citations: Again, consult MLA guide
Paragraph Structure
Again, careful handling research
More research mishandling
Point need
Syntax is off here
3
3
8
R/O Again, thoughtfu
Progression of Thought Needed
Quoting: Review how-to
Proper source handling resources
Above feedba
Counter-argument/Refutation Missing
Conclusion Missing Basic Essay Structure/3 Parts
1
1
2
9
WC Page Format: Nice!
23% SIMILARITY INDEX
17% INTERNET SOURCES
3% PUBLICATIONS
18% STUDENT PAPERS
1 5% 2 4% 3 3% 4 3% 5 3%
6 2% 7 1% 8 1% 9 1%
Argumentative ORIGINALITY REPORT
PRIMARY SOURCES
Submitted to Straighterline Student Paper
Submitted to Prospect High School Student Paper
fox5sandiego.com Internet Source
Submitted to Alvin Community College Student Paper
Submitted to Rutgers University, New Brunswick Student Paper
www.brennancenter.org Internet Source
lissakr11humane.com Internet Source
www.wanttoknow.info Internet Source
Submitted to Virginia Community College System
10 1%
Exclude quotes Off
Exclude bibliography Off
Exclude matches Off
Student Paper
Johnson, Loch K.. "Intelligence: The Secret World of Spies, An Anthology", Oxford University Press Publication
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FINAL GRADE
52/100 Argumentative GRADEMARK REPORT
GENERAL COMMENTS
Instructor
Hi Olayemi: Your submission contains thoughtful content, but it reflects a need for you to carefully review the assignment instructions and guidelines to meet more of the criteria.
For a formal argument-research essay, several key aspects of this assignment and of academic writing in general do need more attention.
For more specific feedback about both strengths and weaknesses in your work, please review my in- text comments, keeping in mind that I marked only a few areas for demonstration. Apply to all areas of your paper during a revision.
All the best,
MS
PAGE 1
Hello note!
Hello there! I'm looking forward to reading your submission and offering you helpful feedback.
Regarding my feedback, please keep in mind that I mark only a few areas here and there about the standard aspects/conventions of this particular assignment and of academic writing in general. I do not mark every instance of every error or weakness.
Therefore, when revising, you will want to apply what you learn from one comment to the entire assignment submission, as well as whatever new things you might catch as you reread your own work.
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Best regards,
Maria S.
Date format: check MLA | Format
Please review the MLA guide for how to format the date: https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/research_and_citation/mla_style/mla_formatting_and_style_g
Syntax errors: writing unclear | Style/Lang.
This writing and meaning is not clear because of significant errors in syntax.
MLA citations: review for accuracy | Punct./Cap.
This citation is not MLA style. Consult the MLA guide for each citation occasion. Here is a helpful link: https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/research_and_citation/mla_style/mla_formatting_and_style_g
Introductions Overview | Intro/Thesis Your introduction could do better to meet criteria of a strong intro. for a college paper. Check out this material as a review for future use: http://writingcenter.unc.edu/handouts/introductions/
Thesis: Good; needs conciseness | Intro/Thesis
Your thesis does well to state a claim. It could be edited for conciseness, however; it is a bit too long. Where can you trim it?
Study 4 Sentence Types | Punct./Cap.
You will benefit from studying these 4 basic sentence types: https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/academic_writing/sentence_variety/senten
TS: too close to thesis | Body/Support
This sounds too close to your thesis. Each topic sentence should break down the thesis by main point.
S/V Agreement | Style/Lang. Subject-verb agreement: Subjects and verbs should match in number and person. Singular subjects require singular verbs; plural subjects require plural verbs.
Whoops! Careful w/source use | Sources
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Whoops! It looks like you forgot to quote and cite one or more of your sources! While I'm sure this was not your intention, please understand that submitting work that is not your own is considered plagiarism and is a
violation of our Student Code of Conduct.
Additional submissions that use borrowed sources without citation could result in a zero grade and/or additional sanctions. Please reach out to your Student Advisor if you have questions.
PAGE 2
Thoughtful content; need clearer point | Body/Support
This content is thoughtful, but it needs to develop a clearer main idea and that develops the thesis.
Unity & Focus | Body/Support Revise body paragraphs for unity and focus: 1 main idea per paragraph.
Transitions | Body/Support Transitional sentences work well to shift to move the reader forward smoothly and logically. Sometimes you can also use transitional expressions to alert the reader. See this link: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/574/01/
TSs in Arguments | Body/Support
Topic sentences for arguments should reflect an arguable point. This one does not. One can't debate this statement.
Paragraphing: Arguable Point Missing | Body/Support What is the arguable main idea here? Even paragraph in an argument paper should support he thesis by making a debatable main point. Check out this link: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/588/03/
Demonstrate quoting from research | Sources
Quoting from any of these sources would strengthen the paper, so see if you can extract some good quoting material to add credibility, depth and skill demonstration to your submission.
Citations: Again, consult MLA guide | Sources
Again, consult the MLA guide for correct citations.
Paragraph Structure | Body/Support Paragraph structure in the body of a paper goes like this: topic sentence + concrete support + summary sentence. Here is a helpful link:
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https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/606/01/
Again, careful handling research | Sources
Again, please be careful when using source material. You must give credit to the sources and not present it as your own writing and ideas.
More research mishandling | Sources
This material reflects more sources mishandling. Please study the material on how to properly and fairly work with research content.
Point needs clarity | Body/Support
A point could be clearer here. Though this content is interesting, the reader isn't clear what point you want to develop and convey. Remember standard body paragraph structure looks like this: Topic sentence (stating the main idea of the para.) + Concrete support (examples, description, quotations, research material, etc.) + Summary Sentence (warps up the point) = a focused 5-7-sentence body paragraph.
Syntax is off here | Style/Lang.
The syntax is off here. Check the word order and choices.
PAGE 3
R/O | Style/Lang. Run-on sentence: The sentence contains two or more independent clauses. Separate the clauses with a period or semicolon.
Again, thoughtful but need arg. pt | Body/Support
Again, this para contains much thoughtful content. However, none of it is arguable as written. How can you make it more debatable?
Progression of Thought Needed | Body/Support Revise writing for global progression of thought, moving from one point to a new. Check out this link: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/section/1/2/
Quoting: Review how-to | Sources
Review here how to format and other handle quotations: https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/research_and_citation/mla_style/mla_formatting_and_
Proper source handling resources | Sources
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You will want to study how to properly handle research material, Here are a couple of resources to get you started: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/563/01/
https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/section/2/
Above feedback applies here too
All feedback from above paragraphs applies here as well.
Counter-argument/Refutation Missing | Body/Support Where are the counter-argument and refutation parts of the argument paper? Please review the instructions carefully before revising.
Conclusion Missing | Conclusion The conclusion is missing. A conclusion should restate the thesis, recap the main points, and leave the reader with something to think about. Review link: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/724/04/
Basic Essay Structure/3 Parts | Body/Support
Global structure for a paper always needs to include 3 parts: introduction with thesis, body, and conclusion. Here is one helpful link:
https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/academic_writing/essay_writing/expository_es
PAGE 4
WC Page Format: Nice! | Sources You did well formatting the WC page and its entries!
RUBRIC: E1SLV7ARG
INTRO/THESIS (20%)
0-1 (0)
2 (2)
3 (3)
4 (4)
5 (5)
BODY/SUPPORT (20%)
0-1 (0)
2 (2)
3 (3)
4 (4)
5 (5)
CONCLUSION (20%)
2.60 / 5
4 / 5
Background/History Define the problem/purpose for writing Consideration of the audience. Thesis Statement
Lacks an identifiable or acceptable thesis. Limited or no awareness of audience and purpose. Readers cannot discern the essay’s central idea.
Thesis is vague or unclear. Background details are a seemingly random collection of information, unclear, or not related to the topic. Limited audience awareness.
Introduction states the thesis but does not adequately explain the background of the problem/point. The problem is stated, but lacks sufficient detail and/or explanation. Audience awareness may or may not be evident.
Introductory paragraph contains some background information and states the problem/point, but does not explain using sufficient details. Audience awareness is evident. The first paragraph states the thesis of the essay.
Well-developed/exemplary introductory paragraph. Contains detailed background information, a clear explanation or definition of the problem/point with consideration given to the writer’s choice of audience, and a strong thesis statement.
3 / 5
Body Paragraphs Coherence/Organization Counter Argument or Refutation
Less than three main points, with poor or no development of ideas. Organization greatly hinders the argument. Ideas may not be original, as too much matter may be borrowed. Refutation/counter-argument is missing or weakens the argument.
Less than three main points, with poor development of ideas. The organization of the shared ideas deters from the writer’s point. Refutation/counter-argument is vague or missing.
Three or more main points are discernible, but all three lack development. The argument is lacking a thoughtful organization of the main points. Refutation/counter-argument is missing and/or does not add strength to the argument.
Three or more main points are present but may lack detail and development in one or two. A thoughtful organization of the main points is evident. Refutation/counter-argument acknowledges the opposing view, but may lack clarity or development.
Three or more main points are well-developed with supporting details. The organization of the main points enhances the argument. Refutation/counter- argument is sensibly noted and acknowledges the opposing view.
0 / 5
0-1 (0)
2 (2)
3 (3)
4 (4)
5 (5)
SOURCES (10%)
0-1 (0)
2 (2)
3 (3)
4 (4)
5 (5)
STYLE/LANG. (10%)
0-1 (0)
Summary of main points of argument/essay Restatement of thesis.
The conclusion is either inadequate or missing. The point of the essay is not clearly noted in the conclusion.
Conclusion is apparent but does not adequately summarize the main points. The argument, in fact, is weakened through the inadequacy of the conclusion.
Conclusion summarizes main topics, but is repetitive–lacking strength and possibly deterring from the overall argument.
Conclusion summarizes main topics. Some concluding ideas may lack strength or development.
Conclusion thoughtfully summarizes the main topic(s) without repeating previous sentences; the writer clearly and logically accentuates the point of the essay or the thesis.
2 / 5
Integration of Sources/Works Cited Integration and MLA In-text Formatting Works Cited Formatting
Argument lacks a documentation of sources and/or sources are not accurately documented. A lack of clear formatting throughout the essay substantially weakens the writer’s argument.
Argument lacks sources and/or sources are not accurately documented. Format is incorrect throughout the essay and occasionally distracts the reader’s ability to follow the author’s argument. In general, the “Works Cited” page may or may not exist.
Source material is used, but integration may be awkward–taking away from the strength of the overall argument. Most sources are accurately documented, but many are not in the desired format. The “Works Cited” page needs attention, as it lacks formatting and/or sufficient information–or it features too much information.
Source material is used. All sources are documented, but some flaws in formatting or integration exist; however, the flaws do not deter from the writer’s intent or overall argument. A “Works Cited” page is included but may have some formatting issues.
Source material is smoothly integrated into the text using purposeful transitions. Sources are accurately documented according to MLA guidelines. A “Works Cited” page includes all cited sources and is appropriately cited using MLA guidelines.
2 / 5
Sentence Structure (Grammar) Word Choice/Vocabulary (redundancy, repetition, awkwardness)
The writer has given very little or no apparent consideration to language and style. Word choice is sloppy and/or incorrect.
2 (2)
3 (3)
4 (4)
5 (5)
PUNCT./CAP. (10%)
0-1 (0)
2 (2)
3 (3)
4 (4)
5 (5)
FORMAT (10%)
0-1 (0)
2 (2)
3 (3)
4 (4)
The writer’s use of language and style diminishes the nature and strength of the essay. Writer’s language/style choices make the essay less cohesive and/or difficult to understand.
The writer’s use of language and style, at times, deters form the overall argument. The writer’s word choice and style sometimes detracts from the overall message.
The writer’s use of language and style helps convey the author’s point(s). The writer almost always uses language and style as a tool to enhance the argument.
The writer’s use of language and style accentuates the nature of the essay. Writer wields language and style as a tool to enhance the argument.
4 / 5
Comma errors, comma splices, apostrophe errors, capitalization errors, semicolon errors, colon errors, typos/misspellings
Contains more than 6 different punctuation/capitalization errors. The identical or similar errors may be repeated throughout. The errors help to significantly deter from the writer’s overall argument.
Contains many (more than 4) different punctuation/capitalization errors. The identical or similar errors are repeated throughout. The errors deter from the writer’s overall argument.
Contains more than 3 different punctuation/capitalization errors. The identical or similar errors may be repeated throughout. At times, the errors deter from the writer’s overall argument.
Contains 1-2 types of punctuation/capitalization errors, which may be repeated throughout the essay. The errors do not deter from the writer’s overall argument, but they serve as a distraction.
Contains either no punctuation/capitalization errors, or no more than 2 different errors with no repetition, and/or the errors do not deter from the writer’s argument.
4 / 5
Attention to Directions/ Format of Essay Heading Original Title 1” Margins Double-Spaced Thesis or main point is underlined. Minimum word count: 750 words
Doesn’t meet formatting and/or word count requirements, and as a result, the writing is difficult to read or unreadable.
Meets very few formatting requirements, and those missing deter from the readability of the writing.
Meets some formatting requirements: the lack of appropriate formatting may lead to a lack of readability or to a distraction while reading.
Meets most formatting requirements; the formatting does not discourage readability.
5 (5)
Meets all of the suggested essay formatting requirements; formatting enhances the readability of the writing.