HHS 320 Cultural Awareness in the Human Services WK5-1

Hi there Tiffany .

Tiffany Hello.

Thomas Parham I'm Thomas Parham . Welcome to our session today. I want to thank you for coming in and being a part of what we're doing. Let me give you a little orientation to what we're going to do. And thanking you for coming in, we're going to have an opportunity to share whatever concern or issue that you have. I'm going to try to work with you as best I can in the time constraints to move through that and see if we can achieve some level of resolution, you know, consistent with what you want. And we go from there. Any questions you have, before we begin?

01:30 Tiffany No.

Thomas Parham Okay, alright. You look like you're not sure.

01:35 Tiffany No, I don't have any questions.

Thomas Parham Okay, good girl. Oftentimes, as I work with clients, I'm aware that, as I ask you questions, I'll know an awful lot about you when we finish, and that you'll know very little about me. I'm wondering, are there particular things that you'd like to know about me that would help to kind of even out the playing field?

02:00 Tiffany No.

02:05 Thomas Parham So you're comfortable working with me and we're ready to go?

Tiffany Yes.

Thomas Parham Alright. Well, why don't we start with what brought you in today, and let's see what I can do to help you.

02:10 Tiffany I have an issue with control.

02:15 Thomas Parham Okay.

Tiffany I like to have control of everything that I'm possible in my power to have control of.

02:25 Thomas Parham Okay.

Tiffany So I kind of like ration our things out to issue.

02:30 Thomas Parham Tell me some more about that. What makes you want to control the issue?

Tiffany Maybe because I'm like the second to the oldest of five, so I've always been like the one that had to do everything, I've always had control among my siblings. So, it's kind of hard to let it go.

02:45 Thomas Parham Okay, so the attribution you make about the control issue is what, birth order? Because I'm the second oldest and I've been, right?

03:00 Tiffany Yes.

Thomas Parham In control, so, I just want to not carry it over now that I am an adult and kind of, out on my own and away from kind of, those care taking roles that I was in before?

03:10 Tiffany I don't want to carry it over, it's just, out of habit, I carry it over. I would like to let it go and say I'm not going to do that, I'll allow someone else to do things and allow things to just happen.

03:20 Thomas Parham Okay. What makes control a problem for you? Why is it a problem?

03:25 Tiffany Because I find myself taking on more responsibilities than I actually would like to, and feel like I can handle, and sometimes when I don't have control, I get upset, nervous, anxious, if I really don't have that control.

03:40 Thomas Parham Yeah, so I'm hearing two things. One is, it creates more of a burden for you, in terms of the level of responsibility, okay? Second thing is it creates a little bit more anxiety in you because now you've got stuff to manage and there's a part of you sounds like they recognize this, you don't really don't control it as much as you'd like to control it, and that makes you nervous. So how're you going to win?

04:00 Tiffany By allowing myself to not have to be in control, I have to feel like I have to control of things.

04:05 Thomas Parham Okay, so part of what we want to work on maybe, is not having as much control as we'd like.

04:10 Tiffany Yes.

Thomas Parham Okay. It's interesting that you went back to the developmental space, you know, maybe it stems back from the time when I used to be in charge of, okay? How would you define control for me?

04:25 Tiffany Power.

04:30 Thomas Parham Okay.

04:35 Tiffany Giving orders. Directing things as if I want it to be like this and if you can't do it I'll take over it and make sure that it goes into that direction and accomplish the way that I feel that it should be accomplished.

04:50 Thomas Parham What do you notice about yourself when you even say the word power?

04:55 Tiffany I like power.

Thomas Parham I'm pretty clear about that. How would I know that?

05:00 Tiffany Well, it puts a smile on my face when I say power.

Thomas Parham Right. So you had a big smile, you just get animated, you light up. What do you like about power?

05:10 Tiffany It makes me feel like I can do whatever it is that I feel, I can be free, I can make my own choices, I don't feel like I'm limited when I have power.

05:25 Thomas Parham But it sounds like in your life, you not only want to have power over your dominion . You want power over other people's dominions too. Now what is that about?

05:30 Tiffany I don't know . I don't, I don't know why I have to have power over other people.

05:40 Thomas Parham I don't believe that. There's something in that that's telling me you do, you've got a hunch, you've got a clue in there somewhere. What makes you more comfortable , being able to control the actions of other people.

05:50 Tiffany Then I can control how things turn out .

05:55 Thomas Parham So, if other people's actions are related to the outcome , right? And I want to influence the outcomes.

06:00 Tiffany Right.

Thomas Parham I not only have the charge of me, but I have to control what they do as well.

06:05 Tiffany Yes.

Thomas Parham Okay. And if I don't have control over that, then what?

06:10 Tiffany Then my outcomes that I'm looking for may not happen .

06:20 Thomas Parham Okay. So let's play that out. So what? So what if you didn't control your own behavior as much as you wanted, maybe you didn't control other, and the outcome you really want didn't turn quite turn out the way you wanted it to do. So what?

06:35 Tiffany Then I'd be upset.

Thomas Parham And you'd be upset because ...(crosstalk)

Tiffany Because in my mind, that's how I wanted it to be, how I expected it to be , and if I didn't have control of it, I would have controlled the situation, then it would have came out the way that I expected it to.

06:50 Thomas Parham Okay, so it sounds like we express life, not in terms of I prefer it to be this way , but in, it has to be this way, it should be this way, it must be this way.

07:05 Tiffany Yes.

Thomas Parham Am I hearing that right?

Tiffany Yes.

Thomas Parham Okay. That's interesting . And we relate all of that back to, right, a care giving role , when you were in charge and responsible for other folks.

07:15 Tiffany Yes. I controlled my brothers even now . I can, kind of, basically, make, get them to do whatever it is that I need them to do.

07:25 Thomas Parham And you say that with a level of pride .

07:30 Tiffany I mean, I know, but I don't like that because they rely upon me, then it's like they look to me now for everything and it drives me crazy .

07:40 Thomas Parham So one of the consequences ...(crosstalk)

Tiffany Yes.

Thomas Parham Of that is now, having people really believe the hype ...(crosstalk)

07:45 Tiffany Right.

Thomas Parham That maybe I can't do it myself so I have to call up Tiffany .

07:50 Tiffany And they do.

Thomas Parham And they do.

Tiffany Yes.

Thomas Parham Now, yeah, they do, but you love it or yeah, they do, and God, but I resent it because they can do some of that stuff themselves.

08:00 Tiffany And it, maybe when I was younger , I liked it, I enjoyed it, but as I got older, I realized that I want to have a life of my own , I resent it because now I feel like it's my responsibility because I've made them like that, so how can I move forward in all of my life and would they be okay?

08:20 Thomas Parham Does it feel a little bit like you're a victim of your own success?

08:25 Tiffany That's a good question . Never looked at it like that. Probably, maybe, never thought about it .

08:35 Thomas Parham Think about it.

Tiffany Yes, in a way, I could be a victim of my own success because I succeeded at keeping everything in control but once I accomplished what I set out, I'm not happy with the results that I have because I crippled the people that I love the most.

08:55 Thomas Parham So again we go with the how're you going to win if you try to control it and you get what you want under control, but then you're also pick up this other piece which you're not happy with.

09:05 Tiffany Right. Well, when I was establishing this foundation , I didn't look at, okay, will you do these things, these people rely upon you , so now that I'm older and I've grown, I'm trying to figure out how can I not do it going forward so in my relationship with my children , they won't be dependent upon me, they won't have to rely upon me so much, and just come up with some form of balance.

09:30 Thomas Parham Okay. Let me go back developmentally, just for a moment, to those spaces you were in when you were in the care giving, care taking mode . Mostly siblings, as I'm hearing, yes ? It sounds like you were given a lot of responsibility . It sounds like you were invited to share in, right, the caretaking of your siblings. Where'd that responsibility come from?

10:05 Tiffany My dad .

10:10 Thomas Parham Okay.

Tiffany He's very old fashioned . My mom and him, well, my mother was young when they got married, she was nine years younger than my dad and she was growing, he wanted, till at least 27 he had , did everything he wanted to do and she just was growing, with us, you know, so she went to college, her career, her job, and all of that, and my father was the one at home, raising us, you know, making sure we have morals and values, go to school and all of that, and he has this old fashioned mentality that these are women duties. So he made sure I knew how to cook and clean and make sure my brothers and him had everything, so my mother worked all the time and my dad was like, the caregiver, so I had to, like, help him out in the process.

11:15 Thomas Parham It sounds like we weren't just helping dad out, right? It sounds like we were kind of, living by a standard, a code of conduct that dad set about what was not just facilitative and helpful for him in the moment, but was an appropriate role for a woman to play.

11:30 Tiffany Yes.

Thomas Parham That's what I heard?

Tiffany Definitely.

Thomas Parham So you're whole sense of identity is now tied up into you having to be this overly responsible individual. Okay, when did responsibility turn into control? I'm trying to find that shift, I'm struggling to do that.

11:55 Tiffany The more and more, the older and older I got, my dad , he still worked, he had his own business so he wasn't there , so, it was like, okay, and my brothers , real close in age , kind of, were carefree, well, my oldest brother would always do stuff to just, like , get us in trouble. So it was like, okay, let me make sure he does what he's supposed to do so that we all would not be punished for his mistakes or I just didn't like to see him get in trouble for some types of things that I wouldn't get in trouble when I know that if he got in trouble which would bring the heat down on the rest of us. So, I just started , like, you shouldn't do this, this is what you should do because he used to do a lot, he does a lot of things that's like a misfit, he's just out of control.

12:45 Thomas Parham He's mischievous .

12:50 Tiffany Yes.

Thomas Parham Okay. And so part of moving from being given responsibility to having to control situations sound like resulted from, not only the sense of identity that dad kind of put on you that said this is how women should be, but also, your experience in having managed certain situations in a way, that unless you could learn to control the circumstance , you would be made to feel the brunt of the consequence for not having managed those affairs even if it was somebody else's responsibility.

13:25 Tiffany Right, because, like, my dad came down on us. He didn't do it often, but when he did, that means we all got a shout, it was like we build up on it. Like my mother , she would always yell and, you know, reprimand us for something, but my dad , he was one of those people, like, when he spoke, it was just like a law . So, we would all get in trouble and it was like, and it would always be my oldest brother who would keep us in trouble, he ...(crosstalk)

13:55 Thomas Parham And the oldest brother , and his name is?

Tiffany His name is Riley .

Thomas Parham Riley .

14:00 Tiffany Yes.

Thomas Parham Alright. So, Riley was a little bit less responsible than he needed to be.

14:05 Tiffany Yes.

Thomas Parham If that's what I'm hearing.

Tiffany Yes.

Thomas Parham You had to come and cover for Riley .

14:10 Tiffany Yes.

Thomas Parham And if you didn't cover for Riley , there was a consequence to pay.

14:15 Tiffany Yes, we all got in trouble.

Thomas Parham Everybody got in trouble.

Tiffany Yes.

Thomas Parham Okay. Alright, I'm feeling that now. There's a piece of African wisdom that I've stylized over time that says , life at its best is a creative synthesis of opposites and fruitful harmony. Life at its best is a creative synthesis of opposites and fruitful harmony. Any meaning for you, in the context of what you're telling me now?

15:00 Tiffany I'm thinking about what you just said. Somewhat, sort of, would you like me to tell you about that?

15:15 Thomas Parham Yes.

Tiffany Okay . I think of, you know, before I used to get to appoint and grow and like, stay out of trouble and things like that , I kind of, I have to, how can I put this , be able to grow without control but have like, peace and balance in my process of growing , you know. So, with my being protective and in control of my siblings' behavior , I should be able to grow with it but, find my balance within it, that ...(crosstalk)