GOVERNANCE

  Accountant  Jokes  

1. Two accountants are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. While several of the

robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. In the midst of the chaos, accountant No. 1 jams something in accountant No. 2’s hand. Without looking down, accountant No. 2 whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

2. An accountant is reading nursery rhymes to her young child. When she is finished, she

answers her son’s question: "No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible — but I like your thinking.”

3. An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three

parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant. "Well," replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits." "How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant. "That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do, plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts." The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" to which the owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

4. An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just

can't get to sleep at night," he says. "Have you tried counting sheep?" inquires the doctor. "That's the problem — I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

5. What is an extroverted accountant like? She’ll look at your shoes while talking to you

instead of her own.

6. A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each morning, as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work. After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his mentor's success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message: "Debits in the column toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window."

7. What is an accountant?

Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand at a price you can't afford.

8. An accountant dies and goes to heaven (no, that's not the joke). St. Peter, of course, is

there, looking through the files and asking a few quick questions. "What sort of accountant were you?" "Oh, I was a CPA", was the reply. "Name?" asks St. Pete. The accountant gives his name and St. Peter finds his file. "Oh yes, we've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted time span." The accountant says, "I don't get it. How

can that be? I'm only 48 years old." Pete looks again at the file and says, "Well, that's impossible." "Why do you say that?" asks the accountant. "Well," says St. Peter, "we've been looking over your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning, you must be at least93 years old!"

9. Newton's Laws of Accounting

1. For every accountant, there is equal and opposite accountant. 2. Both of them are wrong.

10. Definitions of Accountants

Definition of an Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

If an accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing, then surely an accountant is someone who costs everything and is worth nothing!

Definition of an Auditor - One who arrives after the battle is lost and bayonets the wounded.

Definition of an Attorney - One who arrives after the auditor and strips the bodies.

Definition of an Actuary - An accountant without a sense of humor.

Definition of an Economist - Someone who didn't have enough personality to become an accountant.